the log

hah

i could say the same about you.

topless!

It might sound incredibly trivial and lame to some, but I had the time of my life today when I got to ride in a Mini Cooper. A convertible Mini Cooper.

Every minute I spent in it just convinces me more that it’s my dream car.

The Breakdown:

Ride 1: Short 5 min ride. Hilly terrain. Manual gearshift. Slightly oblivious, pretty fast, driver. Loving the huge speedometer in the centre.

Ride 2: Longer ride, with proper music. Went pretty fast as well.

Ride 3: Night, the dashboard and the controls for the air conditioning and the radio light up like the cockpit of a plane. Incredible. Arrived at Serangoon Gardens in style. (okay, granted only I think it’s epic style, I’m just a bumpkin)

Ride 4: The driver offered to put the top down for this one. Epic wind, incredible experience. Only my 2nd time in a convertible.

Ride 5: We went pretty fast, on the highway, and down a long road. I got sent home by a girl driving a convertible mini. How epic cool is that.

Ok rave over. I’m still reeling from the high.

moved out

Today I derived enjoyment from the psychological significance of removing 95% of your stuff that was still in my room and returning them back to you.

My room seems so much more spacious now. (even though it’s actually still in a mess and clogged with my stuff that seems way too much) When I came home from a short walk down town, it was like returning to a space that’s less burdened down with unused baggage, and that is now ready to accept new things.

I’m still starting out on these self-expressive things, so it sounds really extremely noob right now.  But since practice makes perfect, and everybody starts somewhere, I guess I’m getting started now.

bunch of unrelated paragraphs

I wish I used this space more.

Xmas is coming, not like it’s gonna be a big deal. I made a decision to get my friends gifts this year, to sort of spread the love, and budgeting and thinking of gifts is proving to be a headache.

There’s so much to do every book out, and so little time. I think part of the problem is my efficiency, I tend to multitask too much, and badly. I also have a problem prioritizing.

Army has definitely gotten to me, I just can’t decide if it’s a good or bad thing. So far I feel the positive habits and concepts I’ve adopted outweigh the risk of ‘losing my mind to the system’, but I suppose there must be a point where I draw a line, lest I become too dependent on it.

So much I want to do, I want to travel, I want to learn new things, try new things, make more money so I can do the above, etc etc.

In other news, I’m starting to feel differently about you. But I’m not sure if it’s just the next step, or another way of coping, or if it’s really true. I guess in the end it doesn’t make that much of a difference.

so much to get off my mind, so little time.

let’s just say i’m still putting faith in the idea that nothing is impossible.

stuff i want for xmas (in order of preference):

command sch (actually this is before xmas)
ipod classic
etys (again)
blackberry (not sure, will require alot of battery life)
you

the good old days

And how I fucked them up, and how it’s too late to regret now, and how I never knew the value of what I had, and how I never knew what you were going through.

And how it has all come to this.

Let’s go, all over again. Everyone deserves a second chance. It’s not something I expect of you, but it is something you can give. I don’t know if you’ll ever want to. But I want to be around if you do decide to.

Fuck. what am I saying.

This time, I won’t freaking abuse it.

Let’s go.

i wonder?

Everything i think and feel is arguably within my control. I’m emo and shit because I choose to indulge those thoughts. If I change my thinking, and just be happy on my own doing my own stuff, I’ll be fine.

On the other hand, my excuses for indulging those thoughts are that:

• I still desire this relationship and want to work towards it.
• I want to learn from my mistakes.
• I feel that if I were to just ignore these, it’ll fade from memory and I’ll never learn.

Do you think I should just stop indulging myself?

on you

liking you

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I like you and why I want you and why I still want us to be together. What we had wasn’t an illusion. It might have been based on the wrong things and focused on the wrong things at times. But the feelings we felt and the connections we had were real, whether you admit them or not.

There were times I was more in love with the idea of you than with you. To be honest, I’m not even 100% sure now I’m truly in love with you for who you are. But to find that out I’ve got to know you better.

It also occurs to me that what I want might be selfish. i.e. It may not entirely a selfless interest in your well being that makes me want to be with you.

disappointment

I treated you epic-ly badly at times in the past, and have greatly disappointed and hurt you. And disappointment is the feeling you hate the most. You told me that very early on, when we first started having the minor disagreements that all couples have. I never heeded those words, but they have stuck with me.

past, present or future?

Me wanting to be together with you is not about relieving the past. It’s just, the past has shown me that we’re incredibly compatible on many levels, and we can be incredibly happy together. There are so many things we like about each other.

Yes, we do have a major fundamental clash, that you cannot accept in a partner, and that I feel isn’t fair for anyone to accept either. I’ve changed that, not because I want to be with you, but because I don’t want it to be a part of me either.

Cliche #1 (but true): I never knew what I had, never appreciated it until now.

given a long enough period of time

I’ve also been thinking that in the long run, what’s real and true will endure. So if we were ‘meant to be’ (as the popular expression goes), we will re-discover each other and our connection in time to come.

I’ll give you the time you need. Give myself time to get stronger and be a better person as well. There’s no guarantee we’ll end up together, but I’m willing because you’re a part of my life I don’t want to be without.

In the long run, either I will realize that this entire endeavor wouldn’t have worked out, or it sill simply work out. I can’t predict the future.

no regrets

What I do know now, to the best of my thinking and knowledge, is that if I were to give this up and ‘move on’, it would remove me from this emo shit, but I’ll regret it. And just because everyone says its hopeless doesn’t mean that if I persevere I wont prove them wrong. It is, and will continue to be incredibly painful at times, but this is the direction I’m going to head in.

Many people have succeeded where everyone else have said they would have failed. My situation differs only in that I am pursuing an interpersonal relationship, as opposed to an invention or something that only involves myself.

Life is ending one minute at a time, and I want to be spending it pursuing you.

the future

Who knows, I might make another trip to the land down under after my ORD.

Cliche #2: I believe in the power of love to overcome.

booked out

Army’s okay. It’s a lot better than I expected it to be. The people in my section/bunk are rather nice, so that helps. Of course, there are a few fucked up folks in the platoon, but that’s expected. I have a pretty good opinion of my commanders. Considering that they’re NSFs and our age or so, they’re pretty nice and respectable. I respect that they are able to do what they expect us to, and they do it as well. My PC gave us a sudden “PCPT” session, “Platoon Commander Physical Training”, but he did it along with us, and that made me want to push myself for him.

Of course, there are lull moments, which is when I think of you.

The worst times are just before I go to sleep, and during the night when I have dreams/nightmares and sometimes wake up to find myself surrounded by 14 other guys in a cold place, with only a blanket. Nothing to hug, nothing to cuddle. And when I wake up, I often don’t want to, and I’m emo for the first half of the morning.

I’m such a weak emotional wreck of a guy.

Everyone was so excited to book out. I had such mixed feelings. People were going to meet their girlfriends or otherwise had activities planned out. I had absolutely nothing planned, nobody to meet. I found myself wishing there wasn’t a book out. At least army keeps my days occupied.

Of course, I fantasized about you picking me up and us having a fun 2 days together. But oh well.

Had a great dinner with my family though, which was nice. Got to catch up on sleep, and not being rushed/ordered around is nice for a change.

Booking in this Sunday for 12 days straight, and I won’t even be seeing you. The next possibility is 2 weeks away. We’ll see how that goes.

Today

Marks the end of this way of life.

For the next 1year 10months, if everything goes as expected, it will be a stream of weekdays/weekends/public holidays. Sort of like the rat race, except you don’t go home except on the weekends.

Reduced freedom to pursue activities and to plan my own schedule.

In this time I do intend to achieve what I can, to get stronger mentally and physically, and to pick up several skills I’ve always wanted to.

2-year sabbatical thingy. A test.

However you look at it, it’s inevitable. So I’ll just live it, and treasure my free time when I get it, and spend it productively.

everybody makes mistakes. everybody deserves a second chance.

and we shouldnt keep track of ‘second chances’, it’s actually a new ‘second chance’ every time.